One day in my twenties, I told my parents something hidden in my heart for many years. Parents were stunned after listening, but then there was doubt. Because when that happened, I was only eleven months old.

I remember the scene at that time and the inner struggle clearly.

It was a room that did not light up during the day, and it was dark all around. I lived there. What grandma feeds is hard to eat, but if I do n’t eat, she will take the bowl away, and I have to be hungry until the next meal before I can continue to eat these leftovers.

If she is in a good mood, she will heat me up. If she is in a bad mood, she will have to eat cold. In this way, I refuse to eat the food she feeds. It is not good. Even if it is unpalatable, I will force myself to swallow and fill my stomach.

One day by accident, the cousin ran to play, and the aunt followed the bowl with the bowl, while holding the spoon while feeding. The cousin was more than a year older than me, but she refused to eat well. Auntie usually had to take a spoon to say anything. She would take a bite and not swallow it immediately, and ran to play with the food in her mouth.

Later, my aunt was probably tired and ran to my mouth with a spoon, saying, “If you don’t eat, I will give it to my sister.”

When I heard this, I opened my mouth immediately. The cousin disagreed, and as a result, the aunt really gave me the spoonful of rice. The fragrant and hot meals are so delicious! I do n’t understand why the cousin refuses to eat such delicious food. I really should let her taste the food that grandma feeds.

However, my aunt didn’t really want to give me the cousin’s food. She seemed surprised. I actually swallowed the food she raised to my mouth and whispered, “She really can eat!”

I was too lazy to care what she said, as long as I could swallow that spoonful of rice into my belly. If she were like me, eating food fed by her grandmother every day and feeling the hunger a few times, she probably wouldn’t say that.

One morning, when it was dawning, my grandmother put me in the walker and pointed at what I said. I didn’t understand, anyway, she didn’t plan to let me answer. After that, she went out with a basket.

All day long, I was the only one at home. The cousin did n’t come down to play, so I did n’t have the opportunity to eat the delicious food made by my aunt. I could only go around in a boring way, watching the shadow cast by the window grilles slowly move in the room, gradually elongated, then shortened, and elongated, It disappeared until it disappeared.

The room was too quiet, as if I heard hungry rumblings echoing around the walls. After the sun receded, there was only a glimmer of light outside the open door. I looked at the black hole and felt a little scared in my heart, so I drove the walker towards the door with difficulty. No, it should be called creeping.

Kung fu is not dissatisfied, after a long effort, I finally wriggled to the threshold, the night breeze blowing outside the body felt a little cool, but thinking of the endless darkness and loneliness behind me, I still couldn’t hold back. I really hope that grandpa and grandma can come back early, and the best aunt can come, otherwise the cousin can come, or just anyone you know.

I stood in the cold wind like this, trying to stand on my feet and stretched my neck to look out into the distance, but my neck was too short, and I could only see the ridges between villages and villages, and the others not far away lit up Light yellow light. I don’t know how long I stood, I felt that the cold wind had blown through the cotton coat on my body, and I was pouring into my body. The fingers holding the walker were freezing red and my nose was running down.

After a long time, the grandmother’s familiar figure finally appeared at the end of the path. I wanted to call her out loud, but I couldn’t make a sound. This one minute and one second was extremely hard. I was so hungry. When Grandma finally appeared in front of her with a basket, the thought that came to my mind was: “I am finally saved.”

Seeing me standing at the door to greet me, my grandmother did not look very happy, but showed a very surprised look. She murmured something while she got me back into the room and lit a lamp.

Soon, Grandpa came back. Grandma pointed at me and said a lot to grandpa. I don’t remember how Grandpa reacted. It seemed that he simply answered a few words and then he went to cook without expression. Grandma didn’t seem to have said enough, and walked back to me, mumbling at me loudly, pointing at me from time to time, probably scolding me. Anyway, I do n’t understand. She just scolded it. I just hope to bring the rice quickly. At this time, I can also eat a whole bowl of unpalatable rice.

When I was waiting for dinner, my grandma thought about how to deal with this little thing. The next day, she fed me a few bites of food before going out. She put an empty bowl on the stove and pulled out a rope like a magic trick to bolt the walker to the buckle of the bedroom door. I guess it was because she walked to the door without permission yesterday and shocked her. In this way, no matter how I go, I can only move around in the middle of the room, and I can no longer go further.

After tying the rope, my grandma pointed at me and said a few words out loud, maybe to stop me from running around, and then walked away with the basket without looking back.

My aunt has not appeared for several days in a row, and I no longer look forward to her meals.

It’s just that it’s too hard to stay alone in this big dark room every day! I do n’t know why I appear here, where are my parents? When will you pick me up?

I think about these unsolvable problems every day. Suddenly one day, I was taken out of the walker. This is really a relief for me trapped in the walker from morning till night.

Good news followed, and the third uncle hit a sparrow and said to make my second aunt steamed for me. I was so happy. Only then did I find out that the person who held me out was my mother. No wonder everything has changed. I feel like I have a backer and I do n’t have to worry about getting hungry anymore.

When my mother hugged me to the second uncle’s house, the cousin was already sitting on a small bench and eating sparrow meat. She ate quickly, and watching half a bowl of meat enter her stomach, I was anxious and puzzled in my heart. help me?

At this time, my mother said something to her cousin, and then brought the bowl to me. I reached out to grab the sparrow meat in the bowl and grab it once, only one piece. I think it was too little, and I grabbed it again. I wish I could grab all the food left in the bowl. But after trying a few times, I could only grab two pieces at most, so I held the two pieces of sparrow meat tightly in my palm.

My mother picked up the bowl and fed me a few sips of sparrow soup. This is really the best soup in the world. I smashed my mouth, aftertaste the taste in the soup. As soon as my mother put the bowl down, the cousin took it and quickly ate the remaining meat. I have never seen her eat so quickly. But the strange thing is that my mother didn’t help me grab the cousin’s bowl, but instead began to break my hand. I clenched my fists tightly and struggled inwardly. I have n’t seen you in a few days. Would my mother want to give the sparrow meat to my cousin?

If even my mother no longer helps me, who else can rely on? I feel lonely in this world. I struggled for a long time, and my hands were sour. I made up my mind to believe my mother again. If I let go of my hand and found that she was really a cousin, I would never believe her again.

Fortunately, my mother did not disappoint me, otherwise I really don’t know how I will live in despair for the rest of my life.

She tore the sparrow meat in my hands into small strips and fed them into my mouth bit by bit, until the cousin had also drunk the last soup, my mother was slowly feeding me a little bit. The sparrow meat I grabbed was not distributed to the cousin. I feel very at ease, this world seems to be better again.

After eating sparrow meat, my mother lowered her head and said to me: “Shall we go to grandma’s house?”

Great! How scared I am to go back to that lonely cold place after a short meeting. So, can’t wait to jump off the stool, took the mother’s hand and said: “Go.”

One day in my twenties, I talked to my parents like a dream, and their eyes were full of suspicion. The memories of adults are very unreliable. They do n’t remember when I was a kid with a walker. My mother thought I was too small to hold the sparrow meat in the bowl. She did n’t know that I struggled with my fist.

A few years after grandpa died, my grandma was taken care of by our family. That year, I happened to be admitted to a public graduate school, and my grandma said, “Do you have a lot of money for graduate school? You must earn money to support your grandma after you graduated! Looking at you as fat as a kid, I didn’t expect to be so smart when I grow up.” The values ​​of are always clear, and rich is valuable. I can’t laugh or cry.

My parents suddenly remembered what I said when I was little, so I asked my grandma if there was a walker at home? Grandma nodded and gave a definite answer. Although my family was poor at the time, when my cousin was born, my grandfather made a walker with wood. Later, I stayed and used it when I was sent to wean.

Grandma was still complacent, and her water tank was very supportive, and all of them were chubby. My parents couldn’t help tears blurred.

The truth of history is restored. That day, the unit organized employees and family members to go to the movies. My mother didn’t worry about me and thought about going to her hometown first. When I arrived at my grandmother’s house, my mother almost dared not recognize me. Sitting in the walker, I couldn’t bear to see it. It was not winter yet. My face was smacked. I was wearing a tattered cotton jacket and my nose was dirty.

Later, my mother saw the gobbling hungry image of me when I was eating sparrow meat. It was like someone was stuck in a thorn in my heart. I couldn’t bear to throw me down again, and asked me whether I would go to my grandmother’s house.

When she showed me in front of the movie theater holding her, my dad asked, who is holding it in his arms?

Although I was in my twenties and lived well, speaking of these memories, my parents couldn’t help but turn around and wipe their tears secretly.

It is very strange that in my initial memory, I had fear, hunger, worry, anxiety, and had such complicated psychological struggles and thoughts, but never thought of crying. Probably, without shelter, I know that crying does not solve any problems.

For grandma, I am a nasty burden. Because my mom said she would take me to my grandmother ’s house, she could n’t wait to carry all my things in the afternoon. Before she left, I was afraid that my grandfather and grandmother would send me back again. : “My mother-in-law, I will work hard for you in the future. I really have too many things and I don’t have time to manage.”

This is also very good, we are not willing to spend another minute with each other. After that day, I was sent to my grandmother’s house for foster care.

Strangely, I have no memories of spending winter at my grandmother’s house. All stories related to grandma’s family seem to happen in summer.

Many years later, my grandmother said that you were very out of gangs when you were a child. You always stayed behind or stayed alone, never looking for other children. If they came to visit you at home, you would ignore them or reach out .

Did I pinch them? I forgot. I just remember that the children were all dirty and silly, and came awkwardly with two noses. The adults teased them casually, and they were silly and didn’t know what to do.

I refused to get close to them in my heart, not afraid of getting dirty, or being afraid that “stupid” would be contagious. There are so many interesting things in my grandma’s family, why should I play with these boring kids?